At one of my East Side Grill gigs, we performed “Send Her My Love,” & then I announced that we would be doing “one more from Journey” before we launched into “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’.”   My sister’s boyfriend turned to her in surprise because he thought “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’” was written by a local band (notice how this local band’s fan doesn’t even know the correct lyrics to the song).

KK described this as being as bad as thinking that Jodeci wrote “Lately.”   And although my sister denies it, I swear I remember her thinking, when she was in high school, that Keali’i Reichel had written “In My Life.”   When I told her that it was by The Beatles, she had said, “Who are The Beatles??”

Now, my sister was born in 1980, & her boyfriend around then.   Neither of them are musicians or even music enthusiasts.   They have pretty good reasons for not knowing stuff like this.   And really, there’s nothing wrong with not knowing what was written by who.    Frankly the 70s saw so many covers of songs between contemporaries, along with writers like Kenny Loggins & Carly Simon, writing for others as well as themselves — it was like Music Compositions: The Trading Card Game.

I also don’t have a problem with local artists covering classics written by successful bands.   I once heard a cover of Journey’s “Open Arms” by a local artist, slowed down & with just the voice & a piano, & I thought it was very nice.   No kudos to her for writing ability, obviously, but it was pleasant to listen to &, I thought, a nice interpretation of the original.

What I do have a problem with is local bands that, lacking the ability to write material as well as instrumental performance skills, take a song that was originally great & then dumb it down into something shittier, less intelligent-sounding, or sloppy.   Take, for instance, Ten Feet’s rip off of The Damn Yankees’ “High Enough.”   Ten Feet took the laid back, mellow verses from the song, & replaced the driving pre-chorus & chorus of the song with a sappy chorus of “I’m the only one for you, you’re the only one for me” that is on such a different level of songwriting melodically & lyrically that one can only assume that they put it in there because they were incapable of playing the original parts & so took 5 minutes to come up with some kind of throw away filler.

I have no problem with bands that cover songs & do it justice.   Sure, it’s copying, but it’s a cover.   I have a problem when it’s copying & degradation.   I weep for the works of art that are taken by local bands & made into works of rubbish.   “This is what The Little River Band would sound like if they were stoned… well, ok, if they were stoned & shitty musicians.”

“But when Bob Marley did it, it was art,” KK said.   Well, Bob Marley wrote his own damn songs.   Also, Reggae was a real music genre which actually identified a musical kind of sound, whereas Jawaiian identifies a lower level of musical sophistication.   And the lazy, stoner upbeat strumming wasn’t en epidemic in Bob Marley’s time.   Not every damn hit anyone ever had was being translated into ganjaspeak.   And like I said, he was writing original songs.

The thing is, Ten Feet does have a couple of originals.   And I actually like them.   KK & I tried to think of local bands that actually write their own music, & came up with Na Leo Pilimehana.   “Yeah, but all their songs sound the same,” KK said.   True.   But still.   They’re real musicians.   Hey — I can’t tell the difference between a lot of Gloria Estefan’s ballads.   Even Def Leppard got pretty monotonous in Adrenalize.   Since they have 2 originals that I know of, do I consider Ten Feet real musicians?   I guess.   But they’re also scum in my book.   How DARE you do that to “Cool Change.”   DIAF motherfuckers.

Maybe T & I will come up with an alternate setlist for gigs in venues full of people who listen primarily to local music.   We’ll play nothing but songs that have been covered by local bands… except we’ll just play the originals.   I wonder if we’ll be criticized for it:

“Eh brah, dat not how da song sound.”

When I wrote about Chris Cornell’s Euphoria Morning over a year ago, I thought I was done discovering it.   Apparently I’m not.

For the time being I’ve given up burning compilation CDs of my favorite songs or flavors of the week to listen to in my car because for whatever reason (I suspect a sound quality issue, although you wouldn’t expect that from car audio listening — there is no such thing as good sound quality in a car.   Hm.), I get tired of them after a week or so & then I have to burn another one.    However, original copy CDs seem to stay in my car forever.   It’s just something I noticed, & since I’ve begun listening only to actual albums I’ve actually thrown out a stack of blank Mitsui Golds because they were old.

Currently I think I have CDs from Soundgarden, Robbie Williams, Jane’s Addiction, JR Richards, & Toad The Wet Sprocket in my car.   And, of course, Euphoria Morning, which has been in constant play for over a month now.   I just can’t get tired of it, even in spite of the fact that I can still hear it playing in my head when I’m not in my car.

Most recently I’ve been fixated on “Sweet Euphoria,” an acoustic work of just Mr. Cornell & a guitar.   How could I not get into this song before?   Cornell’s voice is sad, lazy & soothing, cradled by the very full sound of the steel strings.   And yes, I did try to figure it out but only got as far as the first few lines before my SAS (short attention span) kicked in.

It sounds like this song is in standard tuning down a step, so that the D opening is fingered as an E, with the first line in A.

But I digress.

Believe it or not, the song that originally drew me to this album, “Preaching The End Of The World,” while still fitting as my personal anthem, has paled in comparison with my new loves – “Disappearing One” & “When I’m Down,” which latter song I really DID sit down to figure out, effectively crippling myself for a few days.

I did find that there was a song I didn’t really care for on this album: “Mission.”   I actually really enjoy the discordant rock arpeggios & the sexy melody of the first verse, but for some reason the bluntness of the chorus just turns me off.   It’s so barbaric that it’s boring.   I even enjoy the guitar solo.   I just don’t care for that chorus.

Anyway, I guess that having nothing new to write about doesn’t mean there isn’t something there.    I do think that a good album will court its listener forever, & Euphoria Morning is definitely one of those.

Please have a listen.

I went in to work after a really crappy night.  Just totally in a foul mood.  There’s isn’t a lot of things that could turn my frown upside-down.  So imagine my delight when I fired up the computer and saw the words “NEW WEEZER TRACK LEAKED”.  Let the awesomeness begin…
Weezer – (If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To

Came across this image by accident.   Sorry Bob.   Debunked.

Thank God for VH-1’s penchant for airing countdown shows from different eras.  They always have these 5 part shows like The 100 Greatest Hip Hop Songs or The 100 Greatest Hair Metal Songs that remind you of songs that get lost in your head.

I remember being drawn to this song because the video was so cutting edge at the time.  Real top notch 80’s video technology, up there with Take On Me by A-Ha and Money For Nothing by Dire Straits.  After it landed on VH-1’s 100 Greatest One-Hit Wonders list, I took the time to re-examine the song.  It’s just a potent cocktail of homesickness and hope, shaken over that wonderful 80’s sound (saxophone solo,bitches!).  And to me, the video still holds up.  Here’s Wouldn’t It Be Good by Nik Kershaw.

Ok, look.   I’ve been working in karaoke bars for over 10 years.   So not only have I gotten tired of songs the average non-karaoke-bar-working person can still appreciate, but I’m also getting old & cranky.   But anyway.

Sometimes it’s not the caliber of singing but the actual song choice that wears on the nerves.   Other folks who have done time in karaoke bars will know what I mean, & they will probably have their own lists of hated song selections.   The other night one of my friends, who also owns a bar & deliberately excluded karaoke from the entertainment options, approached me as I stood at the side of the bar & said, “Punch me in the balls, right now!”

Terms witnesses later used to describe what followed – “crazy” “awesome” “crying like a little girl” – varied,  & I argued that he had said, “right now,” which precluded reasoning or hesitation.   When he could speak again, he explained to me that he had made that statement in expression of his dismay at hearing “La Isla Bonita” surface in the karaoke.

Oh.

I actually don’t mind “La Isla Bonita” that much.   When I used to work at On The Rocks I had female customers who could sort of hold a tune at best who would ask me for recommendations on “easy” songs for them to sing.   I always suggested Madonna songs – “True Blue,” “La Isla Bonita,” “Holiday” – because 1) Madonna’s vocal range is pretty compact & her expressions fairly demure, never requiring anyone to caterwaul strain, 2) her songs are usually catchy & fun-sounding, & 3) she has a lot of songs that have so much back up that it helps to mask crappy singing if needed.

It’s true that “La Isla Bonita” is oversung in bars.   But it’s hard to screw it up.   I think the only time I’ve heard customers butcher “La Isla Bonita” was when 2 drunk girls sang it together in unison, each one basically shouting the words out like cheerleaders at a golf tournament, getting louder & louder as each tried to get on top of the other one.   But in that instance I wasn’t particularly hating on the song; I was feeling sorry for these stupid girls.

My list of hated songs is in no particular order.   In fact, I don’t even know, as I type this, what those songs are going to be.   There might not even be 10.   There might be more.   I’m not sure.

1. “Love & Honesty.”   When this song first came out, my singer boyfriend & I were all over it.   What a pretty song.   And then there was the 1st bar customer who asked if I could sing “Love & Honesty” with him.   And then the 2nd.   And then the 3rd.   All in the same night.   I worked 4 nights a week & I heard or had to sing this song 2-3 times a night.   I got tired of it.   But that isn’t what made me hate this song.

The average karaoke singer doesn’t even know what harmony is.   I’ve been told by people who were just singing the same thing as the other person that they were “singing harmony.”   I think some people just define “harmony” as “singing the same thing at the same time.”   There is a very pretty harmony between the 2 parts in “Love & Honesty” that was completely missed by the majority of karaoke singers.   Sometimes when humoring a customer I would switch to the male part in the chorus, since he was singing the female part, an octave down.   Half the time the male customer would then follow me & start singing the male part, so I would switch back to the female part… you get the idea.   No hope.   I ended up explaining to customers that I didn’t sing that song.   Then I would have to listen to both parts being butchered since invariably there would be a female customer who wanted to sing it too.   “Love & Honesty” was more like Misery & Suffering for me.

Last year the abovementioned friend & I were in a karaoke bar & had sung a few songs together when a young local boy approached us & asked, “Eh, do you guys know ‘Love & Honesty?’”   We politely told him we didn’t, & when he left my friend turned to me & said, “I want to punch him in the face.”   And I could totally understand that.

2. “Bohemian Rhapsody.”   OMG I hated this song even before I started working in karaoke.   I like Queen.   I’ve always liked Queen.   I think Freddy Mercury is one of the greatest singers ever.   The average frat boy in 1992 had no idea who he was, but Wayne’s World did for “Bohemian Rhapsody” what Midweek did for our bar — brought it to the attention of all the donkeys who wanted to “rock!” but had no idea what it actually was.   I remember hearing “Galileo! Galileo!” keened from the higher floors of my dorm (apartments; Noelani) & imagining I had a shotgun.

These days this song is exhumed in karaoke bars by donkeys who just want to enjoy that rush when their performance causes headbanging.   I admit, sometimes I find myself doing it.   Just last night I asked Mele to sing it, & he flatly refused.   And this is partly why I hate hearing this song at karaoke so much.    No one who can actually sing will lower themselves to do it.   The fact of the matter is, this is a great song.   But the only people who ever want to sing it in karaoke bars are freaking donkeys.

3, 4, 5, 6. “Shake You Down.”   You knew this was coming.   This song, along with “Whip Appeal,” Crazy Love” & “Sexual Healing.”   I’m going to just classify these songs as the R&B Sex Songs.   They’re the kind of seductive, smooth tunes that make you want to Get Down.   But frankly if I was on a date & we had gone back to his place & amidst candlelight, wine & a gently blazing fireplace he put on some soft background music, if it was any of these songs it would just completely ruin the mood because these songs have become clichès.

I can totally see why guys like to sing these songs.   They’re gorgeous songs.   They’ve just been done sooooo many times in bars that every singer just seems like a caricature of the singer the night before or (in the case of Karaoke Hut) earlier that evening.   Especially when every guy who sings these songs starts to feel SO SEXY while he’s singing it & doesn’t realize that not everyone else in the room is feeling it along with him.

7. “Just Once.”   A bunch of local braddahs were sitting on my bar & one of them could actually sing.   His friend was avidly flipping through the songbook, then looked up at us with a light in his eyes like he was seeing some kind of holy revelation & said, “Eh, why don’t you sing ‘Just Once??’”   When his friend’s reaction wasn’t sufficiently enthusiastic, he looked at me, expecting the female bartender to gush about how much she loves that song, it’s so romantic, blah blah.   But one of my faults is that I feel obligated to tell the truth.   I smiled at him sadly & said, “It’s a really good song.   I liked it… the first 5000 times I heard it.”   His friend high fived me.

8. “Crawling.”   This is a high energy, well done song that is just obnoxious & ugly when guys try to sing it at karaoke, probably because they’re 1) not in an arena with a light show & a sea of arm waving fans, 2) not Chester Bennington.   KK says “Any guy is going to sound crappy unless he can scream in the same register as Chester Bennington.   But generally speaking I have not heard anyone in a karaoke bar sing Linkin Park well.”

9. “I’m Yours.”   I don’t just hate this karaoke song.   I hated the original.   Jason Mraz has such a terrific voice & he did such great stuff in Waiting For My Rocket To Come.   I had heard from various people about his song “I’m Yours,” & when I finally heard the actual song I was disgusted & appalled.   I already hate Jawaiian music, primarily for the fact that the genre seems based on ripping off other musicians’ art & dumbing it down to appeal to the less sophisticated listeners.   I hear that Mraz’s drummer is from Hawaii & that’s probably where the idea (or lack of idea) came from.    When “I’m Yours” came out sounding like every other Jawaiian song (just with better singing), a local ripoff band immediately covered it & released their version, which is basically just the same thing (just with crappier singing), since there are so few elements to this music that there’s not really much you can change.   Then to hear it sung in karaoke is just more of the same.   Give me a barf bag or get me my gun please.

Several songs have been suggested for my last selection, including “Purple Raindrops” & “Knock Three Times,” but while I do agree that those songs are overdone & banal, they don’t make me feel like inflicting pain.

10. “At This Moment.”   I have so many friends who sing this, & sing this well, but for every one of them are 5 attention whore retards who can’t sing & certainly can’t sing this well.   The ending of this song is so dangerously neurotic that if it’s not done with a certain amount of subtlety, it’s just ludicrously stupid.   The 1980s-inspired video of the pseudo-ballet dancing couple in the original Pioneer laser disc video doesn’t help.   I think I would really enjoy this song if every single guy who sang it felt compelled to break down & sob like Chris Crocker on a piano.

Anyway, if you sing these songs on a Sunday night you’d either better be good.   Or it’s getting nazi’d for your own safety.

Click here for the playlist, which should open in a separate window. Then you have to click the Play button.   Sorry; I can’t embed playlists in WordPress.

1. Standing In The Shower, Thinking.   Any time I’m in a wrist slitting mood, the first band I’m going to think of to save me is Jane’s Addiction.   “Standing In The Shower, Thinking” is a good, upbeat, optimistic-sounding track from Nothing’s Shocking.   True Lauren Therapy, however, involves listening to the entire Nothing’s Shocking & then Ritual de lo Habitual albums.   Does anyone know if they were ever produced on vinyl?

2. The Only One I Know. I know, I know, this bassline rips off some other, older song.   Careface.   This song is better.   It’s impossible to listen to this song without head bobbing.   If you’re really sensitive you’ll need to bounce around your room, doing some Robert Smith spin arounds with your arms spread out during the chorus.

3. Happy Phantom. Have you ever been in a really, really bad situation where your insides were ripped out by the anxiety of the consequences?   Say, you accidentally made a big, nasty scratch on your dad’s pristine glossy black car that he spent hours talking baby talk to every weekend.   When I’m in situations like this (I’ve been in many.   My dad has a lot of cars.), I take a deep breath, & I ask myself, “Ok.   What is the absolute worst that can happen?”   When I go through all the various scenarios, they all end in death.   And then this song, which, as a sidenote, the title of this blog comes from.

4. United States of Whatever. Well, of course.   This song is goofy.   It’s funny.   There are a ton of funny songs out there.   My favorite part is Officer Leroy saying “Hey, I thought I told you-”

5. Rollin’.   To be honest, almost any Limp Bizkit will put me in a good mood, but Rollin’ is the song that can actually cause me to laugh out loud in the middle of cardio at the gym.   There’s an anecdotal element to the cheer this song provides me.   One drunken night that my friend Mele & I were drunkenly yelling at each other (it’s fun.), he said, “If I was dying, & I would only sing ONE MORE SONG… what would you want me to sing?”   Through the haze I couldn’t really think of anything at the time, &, slowly lifting a finger, I promised I would think on it.   And I did.   It was this song.   lol

6. No Sugar Tonight. This is an old song that I only started listening to recently.   The first time I heard it, I thought it was Three Dog Night, but I should know better.   I love the lead singer’s voice.   No one sounds like this any more.   It almost makes me thinkof the Dancing Baby as well.

7. Never There. This has to be the best song scrubs can sing in the bar while I’m working & get me to participate.   It doesn’t matter if I’m in the middle of shaking a shot or asking for an ID, at the appropriate moments I am unable to control myself & must expressionlessly shout “Hey!”

8. Take The Money & Run. This is typical college time listening.   No, I’m not that old.   It’s just what a bunch of us used to listen to, hanging out in Pete’s front yard with the hibachi smoking & a cold pack of Hamms.   It’s occurred to me that the message in this song isn’t the most moral, but frankly I don’t know if anyone who’s ever enjoyed this song has ever really considered killing & robbing someone any more than Lynyrd Skynyrd encouraged anyone to move to Alabama.

9. Attitude. More college time stuff.   Probably the happiest Misfits song for me is “Horror Hotel,” but it’s nowhere to be found on the web.   The Misfits made a lot of sloppy, loud, slam dancing music that brings back memories of moments when all that mattered was having fun.

10. Kerosene. When I was 20 this was one of the songs that cheered me up.   Still works now.

11. Wait. Around this same time period my friend Silke made me a tape (yes, a cassette tape) of songs that made her happy.   This, along with NIN’s “Head Like A Hole” was one of my favorites off that tape.

12. A Decade Under The Influence.   There are a lot of punk/pseudo-punk bands today that I suppose would be the modern day versions of bands like The Misfits or the Ramones; I never really got too deep into punk & I’m not willing to do research right now so I can’t really make a good case on the similarities or differences.   I enjoy the vocal arrangement in this song; for all that it’s really a lot of yelling & screaming, there’s still a musicality to it.   It’s just a ton of energy & it’s executed well.   And that’s as far into this specific genre that I’m going to get.

13. Can’t Stand Losing You. So it’s a song about suicide.   But there’s a sense of humor to it.

14. Winning. This song sounds as happy as its subject matter.   I’m not a huge Santana fan; besides “Black Magic Woman” this is probably the only Santana song I can say I really enjoy.

15. Two Sisters. What a fun song.   I first heard this song when Fiction Plane opened for The Police at the NBC last year.   Fiction Plane is fronted by Sting’s son, & I bought their CD but this was the only song I really liked.   Terrence doesn’t care for the No Doubtesque bridge or the “groove killer” instrumental (frankly I don’t care for the instrumental either — I think they could have come up with someone more appropriate).   This was part of the 20 minute setlist I performed for an E&O Trading company function with a guitarist who played regularly with a ska band.   This was the easiest song for him.   It was also the song that everyone remembers.

16. We Care A Lot. Faith No More – what happened to those guys?   I used to go to Jelly’s every so often, & because I hate shopping & I’m not good at it, I relied on my friend Rob Seto, who worked there, to suggest a CD for me.   It was Rob who sold me an album called Ten by an unknown band called Pearl Jam.   Another of Rob’s picks were 2 MTV Nevermind The Mainstream CDs, & “We Care A Lot,” from Faith No More’s 1st album, was on one of them.

17. Headhunter v1.0, 18. Sex On Wheels & 19. Jesus Built my Hotrod.   I used to visit a warehouse club called The Factory in the Ward area where moshing was the general dance move to hardcore & industrial rock.   The Factory was as close to my ideal dance spot as it gets; there was a carpeted caged area with running waterhoses & bars of soap where you could still hear the music just as loud as on the main floor but you could also shoot your friends with water & have running soap slides.   There was another room where, after slamming around in the oven-hot dance room, you could chill out on donated mattresses & couches in utter cold, cooled by 1′ diameter AC pipes.   There was at one time an art exhibition, where paintings hung from strings attached to the ceiling around random sculptures, & there was the Fuck You Wall, where you could tape up your slip of paper listing whoever you wanted to say “Fuck You” to & why, purchased from the desk for $1.   I’m sure you can see why these songs still make me smile when I hear them.

18. The More Things Change.   Back to the country-influenced glam rock.   Heartbreak Station, like Shake Your Money Maker, was one of the best Southern rock CDs I ever bought.   This song & “Shelter Me” are just great, high energy rock songs.   And Tom Kiefer is the bomb.   Do you hear those vocals?   He sacrificed himself to do those.

19. Suffragette City.   How I loved this song when I was 18.   I always loved David Bowie, & this classic-sounding song was just improper enough with the “Wham bam, thank you Ma’am!” toward the end.   It always made me laugh.   Still does.

20. Particle Man.   It was either this or “Istanbul (Not Constantinople).”   Just listen to that accordian.   I love the concluding line of each verse.   It’s a straightforward conclusion, utterly friendly in its simplicity.   Listen to this plodding, cheerful song & tell me you don’t feel lighter of heart.

I didn’t have any Devo on this playlist because I couldn’t seem to find “Snowball” or the Tank Girl mix of “Girl U Want.”

Kim Wilde is still beautiful. This is because she never moves her face except to blink or sing.

Still one of the amazing songs of the 80s, expressions aside.

You’ve  heard me mention him before.  You’ve listened to me gush about the man’s songwriting prowess.  You’ve heard me wonder aloud how Toad The Wet Sprocket wasn’t a bigger band in the 90’s than their contemporaries.  I just flat out dig his music.

He’s one of the hardest working musicians out there.  Besides his solo stuff and work with Toad The Wet Sprocket, he’s also currently working with three other musical projects — Works Progress Administration, Remotetreechildren, and Plover.  But let’s just concentrate on his solo work for now.

I was searching YouTube, trying to keep myself occupied when I came across a concert that he posted on his official YouTube Channel.  He’s sharing the stage with Jonathan Kingham, an up and coming singer-songwriter who was on tour with Glen Phillips and Jonatha Brooke during this footage (A tour that Lauren would KILL to see, probably). 

I’ve posted the link for the entire playlist here.  Enjoy the show and hopefully become a fan like me.

UPDATE:  The link now works.